We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
