She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
