I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
