I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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