she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
