Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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