No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
