If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
