I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
