I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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