I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
