He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
