i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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