i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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