dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
