I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I woke up under a house in Key West
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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