my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
