Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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