i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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