i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
