I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
