She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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