Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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