legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
