He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
