You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
