My hand turned me down
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
