My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
