dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
