My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
