Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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