I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
