i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
