sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Randomize
