My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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