I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
