Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize