I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
