Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am spending my child support on dildos
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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