I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
