if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
