Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
