Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
