I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
