Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
