I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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