are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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