I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
