i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
