Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My pussy is not your playground.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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