Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
