no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
