I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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