but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
