I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
