Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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