how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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