god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
