Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
