i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
