The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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